Hard day...

Today was hard. Bad news - Aision left. He may actually be back on Monday and Tuesday but everything is still up in the air as of yet. My mind knows that this is good for him, his only chance , really. My heart hurts, I miss him. I wish he could be here. Good news - he will be living with his teacher from his therapy/school. He is already well bonded with her and she definitely knows him. This will not be a huge traumatic move into another home he doesn't know. I thank God for that.

Moving to his teacher's home came up very suddenly. She was here last weekend and I commented on how bonded he was to her and how encouraging it was to see their relationship. She said that she'd love to have him and even thought of it previously but wasn't licensed for foster care. Weeeeell, that doesn't really matter much in Nebraska. They're doing what is called a "child specific placement" in which she doesn't have to be licensed but does need some background checks/home study etc. I don't think she'll be okayed until Wednesday(which is why we may have him back on Mon/Tues). He is at her home for the weekend right now, under respite care.

I wish there was a way to explain how all of this feels. It sounds crazy(even to me) that you can fall completely in love with children who aren't even yours...in a week or a month. It's only been one month. Sigh.

Things feel empty here but ironically, things are normal. We can function with the kids we have in our home. We can go to stores, even restaurants. We don't have a community worker in our home assisting us with what should be basics....dinner/bath/bedtime. I got my hair done and brows waxed today! I was starting to look like a man, really.

And yet, I miss him. When I tucked the kids in tonight, I thought about the smell of his sweet soft curls and how when he's tired and laying down, he's the cutest, sweetest boy ever. I know this is what he needs. It's what is in HIS best interest. It's what is in his siblings best interest. And still, I feel sad...and guilty. Like I failed him in some way.

I took some pics of the kids tonight...Ayla and Dailon get along so well. They're adorable together. They also pick on each other, fight over toys and tattle all.day.long. They are most definitely comfortable in their brother/sister relationship.

This one is blurry because Chariyana wouldn't sit, even for 10 seconds. You get the idea though.
Please pray for Aezy, and for us too. I hope and pray that he gets what he needs and is able to grow, develop and build relationships and trust. I pray that he stabilizes and becomes safe, both to himself and others. I pray that Dailon especially, does okay without his big brother. He's never been without him, despite all they've been through.

Ayla girl

Ayla's sitting at the table cutting construction paper and drops a piece on the floor. "Oh Damn!" is her response. I spoke up and said "Ayla, that isn't a nice word. You aren't allowed to say that'" She replies, "Don't worry Mom, I meant the dam that holds water." Nice.

One night as she was getting tucked into bed, she starts flopping around and insisting that she should sleep in our bed. Why?? Because apparently her bed has bed bugs and ours does not. She could "feel" them biting her and making her legs itch. She slept in her own bed.

Yesterday Ayla casually walked up to me and announced "Well, I guess I won't be able to go to school today." She holds out her finger and says "I hurt my finger, I should stay home" She went to school.

I have no idea what we're going to do with her.

What Valentine's Day looks like at our house...

Flowers from Darren...for me Ayla

and Chariyana

Lots of cards, from aunts and uncles, mommies daddies, grandmas and grandpas.



The cutest Valentine I'ver EVER gotten from our beautiful God daughter, Alivia

Matching Valentine outfits for sisters

Hugs

Smiling babies

Beaming big sisters

and a moment of "real life". This would be Ayla on scooter, Chariyana falling off her bike into the mud and fella across the street drinking dirty water. Epic fail. Happy Valentine's Day though!

By the way, the boys are at school, they have cute little matching Vday shirts too. I'll have to get pictures tonight.

The kids got LOTS of Valentines this year. With gmas and gpas, aunts and uncles and everyone else....we ended up with so many cards, stickers, books, toys and way too much candy. Thank you everyone, for loving us all!

I love...

I love my husband. I love him in a best friend kind of way....we can talk about anything, laugh about everything, pray together, cry together, be together. I love him in a romantic kind of way. I love who I want to to be for him, because of him. I love that I can see all the way into his heart, that he allows me that deep. I love what he has to offer the world....and that he sees this as nothing more than ordinary. He is extraordinary. That's what I mean when I say I love my husband.

I love my daughter. I love her in a girly kind of way....laughing about nothing, pedicures just because, hair curlers, way too much lip gloss, princesses, fairies and lemonade stands. I love her in an admiration kind of way, the capacity she has to love people, it's unbelievable. She has such a fairness about her, a concern for others...she is so wise beyond her years. She is truly respectable, at four. I love her in a learning kind of way. What she teaches me is more than anyone has...more than books, teachers, professors. I see God in her. I am bursting with pride because of her. That's what I mean when I say I love my daughter.

I love our foster kids. I love them in a learning, growing, changing, becoming kind of way. I love what they have brought to our family. I love that they needed us, but that we needed them more. I love that they are attaching to us and that they offer hugs and kisses without hesitation. I love that my heart has quadrupled in size because of them. That's what I mean when I say I love our foster kids.

Happy Valentine's Day

Babies...

Chary has turned into a smiley, funny and very happy little babe. She's definitely attached to me and when the worker brought her home from her visit today she threw out her arms and exclaimed "Mommeee!" The worker was surprised, she hadn't seen her act that way before. She is a fantastic little baby and loves her big sister, "Yay-ya". Tonight after all four kiddos were bathed, lotioned, combed, jammied and (teeth)brushed. And after Chary was in bed.....we had a sweet moment. All three of the big kids were laying on their pillow pets, watching 10 minutes of tv before bed. They were adorable for the whole minute they all stayed put :) It's impossible not to love them all!

We're still here!

Things are still a bit rough here, but we're keeping our heads above water. Aezy, the 4 year old boy is quite troubled. He has alot of self-harming behaviors and is somewhat aggressive to us as well. He has been ordered for a psychological evaluation and is also moving into an intensivist home in the next week or so. We're hoping that he can be medicated, stabilized and transitioned back fairly quickly(6-8 weeks). If not, he'll probably end up staying in a one on one environment. As much as this breaks my heart, it's his only chance for recovery from the trauma he's endured. It's more important that he gets what he needs and is able to develop into a typically functioning child.

We have 15 hours a week with a behavior therapist in our home along with some other support services. My mom has cooked for us a couple of times and Darren's co workers are providing dinner once a week. It's crazy how much that helps!! Our family and friends have been great to us and as I said before, We're at least keeping our heads above water. We are plan on getting back to church this weekend, I really need to be there. We all do.

I highly suspect that Dailon will act out some when Aezy leaves, but he'll be okay too. It's amazing how much we already loves these three little people.

Ayla has been struggling some too. It's hard for her to see all of the behaviors from the boys, not to mention the amount of time we have to spend redirecting and giving consequences to them. It's been very helpful to spend one on one time with her when we can. She's also greatly benefited from spending time with my parents and other friends/family to get a little break from the chaos that is our home. All of that said, everyone IS okay. We are all adjusting and in time will be just fine.

Please continue to pray, not only for us but for these amazing little people in our home as well. As we all know, God is good and He is looking out for us all.

What's it like??

What is it like to be a foster mom, a foster dad, a foster sister....a foster family? If I could pick only five words, I would say it's crazy, hard, learning, understanding and work. Imagine if you would, being a small family of three. Dinner is fairly quiet and you can actually taste and digest your food, there is time for play, learning, talking to your spouse, snuggling, grocery shopping, cooking, living.

Add foster kids....and there isn't time to talk, eat, do laundry or make dinner without some type of major crisis. The foster kids are fighting with each other, hitting themselves, banging their heads on the walls, turning lights on and off, emptying closets and tearing apart whatever they can get their hands on. What have you done by allowing these monsters into your home?

If you're a foster kid, you've already been displaced from your home. You go to school or daycare everyday and "Mama someone" picks you up, feeds you and puts you to bed. You lay in bed at night feeling insecure and wondering whatever went wrong. You wonder if you caused it and if some how, you can fix it. Once a week you see your mom and dad but you're just so angry with them that it's hard to enjoy the time.

So, on Friday you go to school as usual. The transportation worker picks you up for your visit with mom and dad. It's about the same. You act wild, run around and scream because it's easier than letting them love you...because you have to leave soon, and that hurts.

On this Friday however, the transportation worker seems to be confused. Where is she driving? It's late now. After 8:30pm and we pull into a different house. The house is warm but smells different than your other homes. There is a mom, a dad a big sister and pets. They seem nice enough but you don't even know them. They put you in pajamas that aren't yours, lay you in a bed you've never been in and say "goodnight".

You're terrified. You're angry. You wonder who is responsible for this and why they would do it to you, again. Nobody understands why you cry and scream and throw fits with or without reason. You aren't bonded to anyone. That's even more terrifying because you're only four or three or eighteen months. Isn't someone supposed to love you and let you love them back? Isn't someone suppose to stay? Forever. There is no way you'll let them love you, not today anyway. Not tomorrow either. You continue to act out because you know they'll send you away too. But maybe, just maybe they won't. That's what you hope for, deep down anyway.

The days go by. It's been a week. They hold you when you scream and cry and try to hurt yourself. They tell you they love you when you try to hurt them. Once in awhile, you find yourself hugging them while they read to you or laughing with them because they're funny and they like to play with you.

As a foster parent you worry that your home has become volatile. That you aren't spending enough time with your daughter or your husband or your wife. You cry because you get overwhelmed and because your heart breaks for what these kids have endured. You understand why they are the way that they are. You have faith that they'll be healed. You know that love and stability and patience and God will make your home happy and full despite what has to be worked through. You don't want to be the next people who have given up on these children, who've never even been given a chance.

You find time to talk your spouse and you agree that you're in this fully. That there is no giving up on children. That they deserve the chance. That they need to know God, and that they will know Him, through you.

You find that your daughter is doing just fine and that she is wise beyond her years. When one of the boys is in the middle of a meltdown she casually says "I think he really misses his mom". She tells them that she loves them and prays for them at night. She's bummed when she gets home from school and the boys aren't home yet. She loves them and wants them despite it being hard. Her teachers tells you that she is continuing to do well, as usual. She is learning empathy and is teaching love. You couldn't be more proud.

You put the boys to bed first, just so you can snuggle and read and teach and love your only birth child. It works. She's still happy.

It has been so, so much harder than we ever imagined. Our emotions are raw and we are constantly moving with these kids. There is NO down time with them. We know that there will be. They need to trust us, they will love us, they will be okay. And we'll be okay.

Because of them we'll be better than okay.

This is Dailon(Day-lawn). He's three. He is funny and very smart. He has an infectious personality. He loves the dogs and is Ayla's buddy. They play together a lot. This is Aision(Aye-shawn). He goes by Aezy(Aye-zee). He is four. He also loves the dogs. He is very smart but has some minor physical delays along with speech delays. He is getting therapy for both.
Ayla is THRIVING in big-sister world. She loves them and watches out for them(and tattles on them)


Just because she's so darn sweet. And cute. And I love her.


This is Chariyona(Shar-ee-aw-na). She goes by Chary(Shar-ee). She is 18 months old. She is feisty and can take her brothers down. Easily. She gives lots of hugs. Her favorite playtime activities are playing in the toilet and the dog's water bowl.

Thank you for loving us. For supporting us. For getting us through this. Thank you for reminding us that God is here with us and that He is a BIG GOD.